"All Right"
J.D.:
How many fingers do you see?
Elliot:
Call 9-1-1, emergency

Patti:
Why are you singing?
Wait...why am I singing?

J.D.:
Is there someone here with you?
Elliot:
Someone that we could talk to?

Onlookers:
Are you okay? Are you all right? Are you okay? Are you all right? Are you okay? Are you all right?

"Welcome to Sacred Heart"
Dr. Kelso:
Hello, I'm Dr. Kelso, I'm delighted that you came
So the doctors say you fainted, and you don't know what's to blame
Well, put your mind at ease, there's no ill we can't outsmart
On behalf of all who work here...

All:
Welcome to Sacred Heart!

J.D.:
Our facilities are excellent! You couldn't ask for more
Janitor:
As long as you avoid the bathrooms on the second floor

Dr. Kelso:
This is Dr. Cox, I'll be giving him your chart
Dr. Cox:
And that's Dr. Kelso -- the kiss-ass of Sacred Heart!

Turk:
You say you burned your hand real bad -- we'll fix you up with gauze
Elliot:
Perhaps you need your fat sucked out -- or want a smaller schnoz!
J.D.:
Hey!

Dr. Kelso:
You caught an S.T.D. from some tasty little tart?

All:
We swear
We won't judge you here at Sacred...
Here at Sacred...
Here at Sacred Heart!

(Instrumental)

Dr. Kelso:
One more thing that I should mention, if what I've heard is true
And everyone appears to be singing to you....

All:
Ahh, Ahhh! Ahh, Ahhh! Ahh, Ahhh! Ahh, Ahhh!

Dr. Kelso:
Your case is very serious! And we'd better start!

All:
'Cause if you think we're singing, you belong at Sacred Heart!
Doctors! Nurses! Patients! Dead guys!
Welcome to Sacred Heart!

"Everything Comes Down to Poo"
J.D.:
Hey, Ms. Miller -- we just need a stool sample

Patti:
Why do you need a stool sample if you think I'm just a nut?

Turk & JD:
'Cause the answer's not in your head, my dear -- it's in your butt!

J.D.:
You see....
Everything comes down to poo!
From the top of your head, to the sole of your shoe
We can figure out what's wrong with you by lookin' at your poo!
Turk?

Turk:
Do you have a hemorrhoid or is it rectal cancer?
When you flush your dookie down, you flush away the answer!

J.D.:
It doesn't really matter if it's hard or if it's loose
We'll figure out what's ailing you, as long as it's a deuce!
Yes!
Everything comes down to poo!

Nurses:
Everything comes down to poo!

J.D.:
Cardiovascular and lymphatic, yes, the nervous system, too!
All across the nation, we trust in defecation!
Everything comes down to poo!

Turk:
If you want to know what's wrong, don't sit and act so cool
Just be a man and eat some bran, and drop the kids off at the pool!

Robed Woman (spoken):
My stomach hurts
J.D.:
Check the poo

Limping Woman (spoken):
I sprained my ankle
Turk:
Check the poo!

Bloody Shoulder Guy (spoken):
I was shot!
J.D.:
Check the poo!

Delivery Guy (spoken):
A homeless guy threw poo in my eye!
Turk:
Check the poo!
Delivery Guy (spoken):
Mine or his?
J.D.:
First him, then you!

It may sound gross, you may say "shush!"

J.D. & Turk:
But we need to see what comes out of your tush!
Because!

All:
Everything comes down to poo!
Whether it's a tumor or a touch of the flu!

J.D. & Turk:
Please, won't you pinch us off a big, fat clue!

Turk:
Our number one test is your Number Two!

All:
If there's no breeze, light a match please!
Everything comes down to --

J.D.:
Doo-doo!
Turk:
Doo-doo!
J.D.:
Doo-doo!
Turk:
Doo-doo!

All:
Everything comes down to ... poo!


"Gonna Miss You Carla"
Ted:
So, Carla, when will you be back?

Carla:
Not for a year

Ted's Band:
(Gasp) A year?

Carla:
Not for one long, long year

Ted's Band:
Mmmm, mmmm....
We understand you love that kid, but this ain't no way to treat us

Nurse Roberts:
And I hesitate to say you did, what Judas done to Jesus!

Doug:
When you leave us all, we'll be upset

Janitor:
Look out -- that floor is very wet

All:
We're gonna miss you, Carla
We're gonna miss you 'round here!
We're gonna miss you, Carla
We're singin' this through our tears!
How we ever gonna get along without ya for a long, long year?

Ted:
Who'll tell me that my new toupee looks sweet?

Dr. Kelso:
Who'll treat my gay son's rash and be discrete?

Todd:
Who'll give me better ways to say "man-meat"?

Carla (spoken):
"Pincho chiquito"

Todd (spoken):
Thanks! I'm usin' that!

All:
Ooooh, we're gonna miss you 'round here
We're gonna miss you, Carla
We're singin' this through our tears
How we ever gonna get along without ya for a long, long year?

Turk:
My baby's made the choice to be at home and not at work
So let us all rejoice 'cause she's the brand-new Mama Turk!

Carla:
He's right of course, and yet my heart
In spite of this feels torn apart

All:
We're gonna miss you, Carla
We're gonna miss you 'round here!

Ted:
I need a tissue, Carla!

All:
We're singin' this through our tears!
How we ever gonna get along without ya?
How we ever gonna get along without ya?
How we ever gonna get along without ya?

Turk (spoken):
Lunch!

Carla:
It's gonna be a long, long year

"The Rant Song"
Patti:
Dr. Cox, I'm not crazy!

Dr. Cox:
Am I still singing?

Patti:
Singing like a bird

J.D.:
Dr. Cox, huge news!
I pulled some strings and got the parking spot right behind yours!
Bumper buddies!

Dr. Cox:
Still, you're not ne-he-hearly as bad as her
Do you know how much you annoy me?
(Spoken) The answer is a lot
Should I list the reasons why?
Well, I don't see why not

It's your hair, your nose, your chinless face
You always need a hug
Not to mention all the manly appletinis that you chug
That you think I am your mentor just continues to perplex
And, oh my God, stop telling me when you have nerdy sex!

J.D. (spoken):
Oh, by the way, last time Kim was in town, we got some appletinis and poured 'em on her good parts!

Dr. Cox:
See now, Newbie, that's the thing you do that drives me up a tree
'Cause no matter how I rant at you, you never let me be!
So I'm stuck with all your daydreaming, your wish to be my son
It makes me suicidal and I'm not the only one
No, I'm not the only one

Janitor:
It all started with a penny in the door
There was a hatred I had never felt before
So now I'll make him pay, each and every day
Until that moussed-haired little nuisance...is...no...more

Dr. Cox:
So now that is why I call you names like Carol, Jane, and Sue
Like Moesha, Kim, and Lillian, Suzanne and Betty-Lou
See, regardless of the names I pick, my feelings are quite clear
You're a pain in every day of every month of every year!

Patti:
Dr. Cox, you gotta help me, 'cause I really am distressed!
Can't you find another option, won't you run another test?

Dr. Cox:
If you want some kind of favor, really any kind of favor
Please just get me peace and quiet from this God-forsaken pest!

J.D. (spoken):
I think what my bumper-buddy is trying to say...

Patti:
Shut your cake-hole, Mary-Beth, or I swear to God I'll shut it soon!

Dr. Cox:
Congratulations, we'll schedule your test this afternoon

"Options"
Carla:
I could tell a bunch of lies

Elliot:
I could buy him his own place

Carla:
I could bring the baby here with me

Elliot:
Or tell him there's no space!

Carla (spoken):
Those are some lame-ass ideas.

Elliot (spoken):
We are so screwed.

"When The Truth Comes Out"
J.D.:
I'm sure you must be scared
Not knowing what this test will bring
It could prove that you are crazy
Do you still hear people sing?

It's best to know the truth
Of that I have no doubt
But you'll have to face the future....
When the truth comes out!

Dr. Cox:
We are running a test that's a waste of our time
But at least she'll accept that she's medically fine
She'll admit that she's nuts, or I'll have to say "snore!"
Just give her the CAT-scan, and show her the door

J.D.:
While we process your results
We'll take you back to wait

Turk:
We've got drugs to calm you down
So you don't stress about your fate

J.D. & Turk:
It's best to know the truth
Of that we have no doubt
But you'll have to face the future....

All:
You'll have to face the future....

J.D. & Turk:
When the truth comes out!

Carla:
You're gonna miss it, Carla
You're gonna miss it 'round here
Gonna hurt him badly
But you can't stay away for one whole year

Patti:
I know that I'm not crazy

J.D.:
Everything comes down to poo!

Patti:
I hope that I'm not crazy

J.D.:
When we move, I'm gonna have my own private loo!

Patti:
Oh, no!

Elliot:
How'm I supposed to tell him that he's not moving, too?

Patti:
Oh, my God!

Elliot:
He doesn't have a clue!

Patti:
I'm crazy!

Dr. Kelso:
If you'd like to reconsider
I'd be glad to do my part
If you want, your job is open
Come on back to Sacred Heart!

Radiologist (spoken):
Look at the temporal lobe. That could be why she's hearing music.
Dr. Cox (spoken):
It's the biggest aneurysm I've ever seen. The woman's a time-bomb.

All:
Sometimes you're better off not knowing
But this isn't one of those times
Your world's become a musical
And your doctors speak in rhymes!
It's best to know the truth
Of that we have no doubt
But you'll have to face the future....

Carla:
How can I tell him?
Elliot:
How can I tell him?
Dr. Cox:
How can I tell her?

All:
You'll have to face the future
When the truth comes out!

Patti:
So, Dr. Cox, is it serious?
Oh.

All:
Ahhh.... Ahhh.... Ahhh....
When the truth comes out!

"Guy Love"
J.D.:
Let's face the facts about me and you
A love unspecified
Though I'm proud to call you Chocolate Bear
The crowd will always talk and stare

Turk:
I feel exactly those feelings, too
And that's why I keep them inside
'Cause this Bear can't bear the world's disdain
And sometimes it's easier to hide

J.D. & Turk:
Than explain our guy love, that's all it is
Guy love, he's mine, I'm his
There's nothing gay about it in our eyes

Turk:
You ask me 'bout this thing we share
J.D.:
And he tenderly replies
Turk:
It's guy love
J.D. & Turk:
Between two guys.

Turk:
We're closer than the average man and wife
J.D.:
That's why our matching bracelets say "Turk & J.D."!

Turk:
You know I'll stick by you for the rest of my life.
J.D.:
You're the only man who's ever been inside of me!

Turk (spoken):
Whoa, whoa. I just took out his appendix.

J.D.:
There's no need to clarify
Turk:
Oh, no?
J.D.:
Just let it grow more and more each day!
It's like I married my best friend
Turk:
But in a totally manly way!

J.D. & Turk:
Let's go!
It's guy love
Don't compromise
The feeling of some other guy
Holding up your heart into the sky

J.D.:
I'll be there to care through all the lows
Turk:
I'll be there to share your highs
Uh!

J.D. & Turk:
It's guy love between two guys

J.D.:
And when I say "I love you, Turk"
It's not what it implies

J.D. & Turk:
It's guy love between two guys

J.D. (spoken):
No hands.

"For The Last Time, I'm Dominican"
Carla:
I've had it up to here
So let me make it very clear
Because I swear I'll never clue you in again

Every time that you profess
I come from Puerto Rico --

Turk:
Yes?

Carla:
-- For the last time, Turk, I'm Dominican!

Turk:
Don't make a big to-do
I was simply testing you

Carla:
Then why'd you tell J.D. our baby's "blaxican"?

Turk:
Babe, you know I know the truth

Carla:
Well, I need a little proof
So list all you know about me, or no sex again

Turk:
Uh... Let's see...
Your name is Carla

Carla:
Oh, yes

Turk:
You are Latina

Carla:
Impressive

Turk:
You're a nurse, your mother's dead
And, wait -- I got it!
Three sisters

Carla:
Turk!

Turk:
Two sisters?
Well, I'm sure you have a brother who's a huge jerk-off!

Carla:
Tell me, what's my middle name?

Turk:
Okay, I'm tired of this game
Let's forget it, I give up, I guess you win again
But it's not just me who gets mixed up
By all this crazy ethnic stuff!

Todd:
Sorry, even I know, she's Dominican!
Boo-ya!

Carla:
Did I grow up in Illinois or was it Michigan?
How long before we met was I in medicine?
Was our wedding song the Beatles or Led Zeppelin?
Am I freakin' Puerto Rican or Dominican?

Turk:
The thing is guys remember facts
Like what Derek Jeter hit last year, which was three-oh-three!
And that is why our brains are maxed
And there's no room for things like birthdays or ethnicities!

Carla:
Well, thank you for that glimpse into the workings of the inner man

Turk:
Let's talk about your job and not the fact that you're --

Carla:
-- Dominican!

Turk:
You're not staying home from work

Carla:
Will that make you happy, Turk?

Turk:
I'll support you if you choose to earn the Benjamins

Carla:
Then I'll return to work today!
Now, you're sure that that's okay?

Turk:
I say "¡Sí!" -- which is "yes" in Dominican!
And Puerto Rican!

Carla:
Turk!

Turk:
But you're Dominican!

"Finale, Pt 1 (Friends Forever)"
J.D.:
We'll be...
Friends forever! We're gonna be friends forever!
We will always be true-ooh-ooh!
Friends forever! We're gonna be friends forever!
I'll always be there for you!

We're as close as --

Turk:
The vena cava and the aorta!

J.D.:
We're best friends just like --

Elliot:
Amoxicillin and clavulanic acid!

Dr. Kelso:
The tibia, the fibula! The left and right ventricle!

Elliot:
A hypodermic needle and a latex tourniquet!

All:
Diverticulitis and a barium enema!

Dr. Kelso:
The vena cava and the aorta!
Elliot:
Amoxicillin and clavulanic acid!
All:
(We'll be friends forever!)

Dr. Kelso:
The tibia, the fibula! The left and right ventricle!
Elliot:
A hypodermic needle and a latex tourniquet!
All:
(We'll be friends forever!)

Dr. Kelso:
The vena cava and the aorta!
Elliot:
Amoxicillin and clavulanic acid!
All:
(We'll be friends forever!)

Dr. Kelso:
The tibia, the fibula! The left and right ventricle!
Elliot:
A hypodermic needle and a--

"Finale, Pt 2 (What's Going to Happen)"
Patti:
What's going to happen?
What does the future hold?
So many things that I put off
Assuming I'd have time, assuming I'd grow old
What's going to happen?
And will I be alive tomorrow?
What's going to happen...to me?

Dr. Cox:
You're going to be okay

All:
That's what's going to happen
Everything's okay
We're right here beside you
We won't let you slip away
Plan for tomorrow
'Cause we swear to you
You're going to be okay

Patti:
I'm going to be okay

All:
That's what's going to happen

Patti:
Everything's okay

All:
Everything's okay
We will never leave you
Right here we will stay
(Plan for tomorrow)
Plan for tomorrow
'Cause we swear to you
You're going to be okay

J.D.:
We hope

Dr. Cox:
Shhhhh.....